When is the right time for a first time rite-of-passage milestone for your child? We look at the “firsts” parents might dread and offer some advice.
There is no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to the right time for the first time, but here are some things to consider.
First cellphone
Brace yourself for the inevitable “but Mom, everyone has one!” and further lobbying, whining and begging for your child’s alleged right to have a cellphone.
You may feel that your child is responsible enough to use a cellphone, but does she really need a smartphone with access to the internet, myriad apps and other advanced functions? Mobile phones today are powerful communication tools, which can create text, images and videos, and broadcast your location.
Whenever you decide the time is right for your child to use one, establish some ground rules for appropriate use and consider installing an app to keep an eye on your child’s smartphone activities. Aderyn Exley, a counselling psychologist in Joburg, suggests parents approach cellphone use as a bargaining tool based on trust. “When a child proves trustworthy, a parent may slowly withdraw. But check in daily so you can stay on top of any weird stuff,” she says.
Read our articles on smartphones for children here and here.
First time going for a sleepover
Assess whether your child is emotionally ready to spend a night away from home before packing them off to their best friend’s house. They may be ready for their first sleepover at five or only at ten. It’s normal for a child not to stay the entire night on their first few attempts at a sleepover, so be prepared to help them build their confidence. Also, let your child help pack their overnight bag and make sure they include a favourite book, blanket or toy. You may want to reconsider a sleepover arrangement if there is an older sibling in the house or if you’re not entirely comfortable with the dynamics of the host family.
Read our Sleepovers Yay or Nay article here.
First time taking on a part-time job
According to The Basic Conditions of Employment Act, you may not employ a child who is younger than 15. This doesn’t apply to voluntary charity work, however, so that’s always an option. If your teenager is ready for the rigours of a working environment, a part-time job over weekends or during school holidays is a great way to learn valuable work skills, but consider limiting the number of hours they work to ensure their grades and extracurricular activities don’t suffer.
First time at a party with boys and girls
* Sylvia allowed her daughter to attend mixed dancing parties from Grade 6, but always with parental supervision. “I would meet and chat to the host parents first to ensure I was comfortable with the setup, and we’d always drop and fetch her afterwards at a designated time,” she says.
First flight alone
Not all airlines offer an unaccompanied minors’ service, but if they do, it’s usually for a child aged between 5 and 11 travelling without the supervision of a parent or guardian who is 16 years or older. Once again, emotional readiness is an important consideration with this one. You should also prepare your child for what to expect well in advance of the flight, but it’s pretty safe and airline personnel generally take good care of unaccompanied minors.
First time going to the movies without supervision
The 12- to 14-year-old age group is a popular stage for going to a movie without mom or dad. Consider dropping your child at the entrance to the cinema and collecting them there again as soon as the movie is finished. You may be prepared to allow a younger child to be accompanied by an older sibling, but what if the older child needs to go to the toilet during the movie? You should also consider possible harassment of unaccompanied younger children by older ones in a cinema.
First time home alone
* Gloria, a single mother, will not leave her under-14 children home alone, even to pop out to the shops. “I’m not prepared to risk leaving them home alone yet,” she says. The safety of the child rather than their trustworthiness is the biggest issue here. Parents tend to be more relaxed leaving older teenagers home alone.
First time using make-up
Lots of little girls like to play with toy make-up, but the time will come when she wants to wear the real stuff. With this first-time experience, the message you teach about beauty is probably more important than the age you allow her to start using make-up. Nevertheless, you can offer recommendations about what is age appropriate.
First time getting ears pierced
Many parents hold out until Grade 5 or even later. It’s prudent to have your child’s ears pierced at a reputable piercing stand and to take proper care of the holes to prevent possible infection. Also ensure you abide by your child’s school regulations for body piercings.
First date
Some parents allow their child to date from the age of 12, others only when they’re 16. Consider a chaperone for younger children and insist on meeting your child’s date, setting ground rules and a curfew. You may even consider a double date (with the parents) if it’s the first time you’re meeting your child’s date. “If the boy won’t spend time with us, then he can’t be alone with our daughter,” says one mom.
*Names have been changed for privacy
