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There Are Monsters Under My Bed!
Every child will experience fear at some stage. Knowing how to deal with your child’s anxieties can make all the difference
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Her older girls started to fear monsters at age four. “They suddenly needed the light on and the door open at night,” says Bonnie Bester (33), an entrepreneur from Cape Town, and mom to twins Abigail and Kiara (5), and Jessica (21 months). “I obliged because to them their fears were very real and I didn’t want to dismiss that,” she says.
Childhood fears are extremely common and most children experience phases of anxiety every day – or imagined things at some point. “Anxiety is very much a part of the human condition, and at different developmental points it can actually be quite useful,” says Dr Wendy Duncan, child psychiatrist at the Child and Family Unit of the Charlotte Maxeke Johannesburg Academic Hospital.
“A wariness of strangers, for instance, can protect your child from harm. Sometimes a level of anxiety is instinctive and tells a child to be cautious and return to her caregiver. In older children, anxiety over performance can drive them to try harder and achieve, so anxiety is appropriate and necessary at certain points. Children who don’t develop a sense of fear can be quite vulnerable,” says Dr Duncan. But it is important to help your child manage her fears properly at the time they arise, so that they are not amplified or taken into adulthood. “It’s also important that we don’t always reassure children that their fears will never happen; they might. Instead, we have to raise their belief in their inner strength to cope,” says Johannesburg-based educational psychologist Nadia Louw.
For 2- to 10-year-olds:
- A fear of the dark is particularly common up to age five or six and a night-light will often do the trick. “Help your child look for her strengths by asking her about a time she wasn’t scared of the dark, and what powers she had within herself to overcome her fear in that instance that she can use the next time,” suggests Louw.
- A fear of monsters is usually short-lived. “I used to pretend to catch the monsters, wrap them in a blanket and throw them out the window or door. I made such a big drama doing all of this, my daughters were in fits of giggles and the monster problem very quickly went away,” says Bonnie.
This type of approach is particularly helpful because young children need very practical, tangible ways to deal with fear as they cannot deal effectively with abstract concepts yet, explains Justine Bartlett, a clinical psychologist from Durban. “Another way is to ask children to draw a picture of what is scaring them. This allows them to visualise their fear and makes it more real. Then get them to tear up the picture and jump on it and squash it,” says Bartlett.
“Whatever your child’s fear, telling them that they are being silly, that there is nothing to be scared of, or that they shouldn’t worry, does not make them feel heard. Allow children to express their fears and concerns openly, and acknowledge their feelings,” says Louw.
- A fear of strangers serves a purpose and can be managed through your example. Greet strangers politely but don’t engage in long-winded conversations. In any fearful situation, breathing and relaxation techniques can help: “Teach your child to take deep breaths and visualise a safe, happy space if they start to panic,” suggests Louw.
- Particular animals, like dogs or snakes, often cause small children to worry, and this is within the spectrum of normal development, say experts. “Gradual exposure is imperative in order to stop this fear becoming something more severe or lifelong. Try introducing your child slowly to the company of little dogs at a distance and then gradually get closer and closer, then progress to bigger dogs at closer range,” suggests Bartlett. “It won’t help your child to remove her quickly from a situation she is scared of. If you visit a friend with a large dog, call ahead to ensure the dog is contained. When you arrive take your child to see the dog and reassure her. Work towards getting them to eventually touch the dog or letting the dog out so they can just be in the presence of the dog,” advises Bartlett. Avoiding dogs altogether reinforces the idea that they are indeed too scary to face.
- Fears over crime and trauma permeate down to our young children. Your child’s level of fear depends on his exposure to crime, and on what mom and dad are talking about. Children absorb their parents’ feelings about situations and they pick up on what you say. “Be conscious about discussing adult things in front of children, and of what they’re seeing on TV. Anxieties develop as a result of watching age-inappropriate content,” says Duncan.
- Even very young children are afraid of not doing well at school. “Instil encouragement without pressure,” advises Duncan. “Achievement and ambition are the order of the day, and adults often live vicariously through their children. We tend to push our children to do more, have more, or be better than we were. Be aware that this sort of pressure is bad for children,” she says. We need to find a balance between creating opportunities and giving them too many. “When children manifest distress – by refusing to do certain things; throwing tantrums when they have to go to ballet; niggling; or when school performance dips or they hide their homework diary – they are trying to tell you it’s too much,” says Duncan. “Overload can be quite harmful, and unstructured play is at least as useful in development as going to loads of classes and formal activities,” she says.
- Many children are afraid of losing a parent. “If your child expresses this fear they need a lot of reassurance that you as parents do your utmost to ensure that you are safe and will be there for them, but if something should happen to either of you they need to be told what measures are in place,” says Bartlett. This may seem macabre, but is more likely to reassure them than a fabrication. “Never lie to children and tell them not to worry as you’ll always be there for them. This isn’t always in your control. Never minimise a child’s fears and make up stories to allay fear. Be as frank and honest as is appropriate for their developmental age,” advises Bartlett.
- We should give children a little space to develop their own coping mechanisms too. “We need to encourage our children to explore (within appropriate boundaries) and reassure them of their strengths, rather than constantly warning them about danger, and hovering,” says Louw.
When to Worry
While some fear is normal, concern is warranted if anxiety affects your child’s everyday life. If his functioning at school – academic and social – is impacted, you might need to seek help, says Duncan. For example, if your child develops an extreme aversion to germs it might be a stage – but when your child can’t leave the house on time because she’s washing her hands repeatedly, or doesn’t want to touch the school desk, this is more than a quirk, and needs professional attention.
The South African Depression and Anxiety Group offers a free 24-hour counselling service, and can refer you to a child therapist in your area. Contact: 0800 20 50 26 (seven days a week, 8am–8pm), sms 31393or visit sadag.co.za
What Teens Fear Most
Social exclusion; doing poorly at school; not having the right “stuff”; and looking bad top the list of teenage fears. Anxiety at this age almost always centres around social acceptance. As children develop, their points of reference change from their parents to their teachers to their friends. That’s why at this age, say experts, you can’t underestimate the power of peers. Peer relationships become more important and concerns over these relationships are enormous. Risks associated with the need to fit in include disordered eating habits, substance abuse, and perfectionist behaviour, notes Duncan. So, what can you do?
- Name that emotion. “Often we struggle to express our own emotions, but the most important thing we parents can do is to help our young adults name their emotions,” says Duncan. Try: “I can see you are angry about…” or “I understand you are worried because…” Create space to say to your child that if they feel like talking about it, you’re there for them.
- Discuss worst-case scenarios. It’s often helpful to talk about the worst thing that can happen in a situation as teenagers often build things up to be far worse in their minds than they are in reality, says Louw. “And as adolescents tend to experience their emotions quite intensely, remain as calm and understanding as possible, and allow your child to vent,” she says.
- Set boundaries. Balance is important, and you need to allow them the space to learn to become independent, but still protect them and give them boundaries, says Duncan.
- “Parents should still set the rules, but there is a process of some negotiation whereby the teenager can make his needs known, and together you can agree on a solution. The currency of adolescence is money, autonomy/ freedom, and peer group – use this to negotiate. For example, your older teenager wants to go out over the weekend with friends, but you want to structure her life. You could say something along the lines of: ‘we have certain expectations, we need you to do your chores, we need you home during the week by 6pm; then you can go out until 11pm on weekends. If you come home later, we will need to look at whether you’ll go out again’. Curtail her freedom or her phone usage if she’s not acting responsibly.”
- Follow through. The agreed consequences must be enforced if there is to be mutual respect, and it’s important for all adults in the house to be consistent and unified in their message. These boundaries are both containing and freeing for young people: “They are free to a point, if they uphold the rules you’ve placed to protect and care for them, as is your parental responsibility,” says Duncan.
- Encourage relaxation. Relaxation and techniques such as deep breathing, visualising success and focusing on all their previous successes may assist teenagers in feeling more empowered, suggests Louw.
- Watch for stress signals. A teenager might withdraw, change her behaviour, or act out, and this may be a manifestation of something else. Take note of this behaviour, as some more serious anxiety problems (such as generalised anxiety disorders and social phobias) can start in adolescence, says Duncan.
Check Your Own Fears
“Sometimes fear manifests because of a traumatic experience, but more often it’s when parents’ own anxieties are transferred to their children,” says child psychiatrist Dr Wendy Duncan. As parents, we need to be cognizant of our own feelings, and what we might be instilling in our children. “Anxious children generally have extremely anxious parents,” says Duncan.
“Children are all born fearless and research has shown that fear is a completely learnt behaviour. This means that as soon as they are old enough to watch you and learn from your behaviour, they can learn fear. This can happen from as early as six months, but more often from the age of two, when they are starting to develop certain cognitive abilities and are able to understand some level of danger,” says psychologist Justine Bartlett.
Wrapping the monster in a blanket is a good idea. Should try it now. Lol!